WebMD is My New Best Friend

Since I know all of you have been wondering (okay maybe only some of you...well hopefully at least one of you...) why I have been M.I.A. from facebook lately. Before the rumors start (psh! I wish I was cool enough for people to start rumors about me! Please start a rumor about me! Pretty please! I totally give you permission!), let me nip this in the bud right now:


I have this new and annoying condition where I get violently nauseous every time I eat something. Okay, maybe violently is too strong of a word. But I still get extremely nauseous to the point where I can't concentrate on anything besides not yakking on whoever is closest to me at the time (if there are any MDs or RNs out there, feel free to diagnose me. I won't stop you from giving me free advice! :P).

I definitely feel like this guy:

(Only I don't have the excuse that I was up in space. Although that'd be totally fun. I so wouldn't mind getting sick if it meant that I'd be in outer space!!! The Hubby would be so jealous!)

Before you start formulating your sympathy reply comments (really don't! I hate being pitied), let me assure you that I'm 95% confident that this is entirely my own doing. I have brought this on myself. I've mistreated my body for YEARS. I'm talking years of eating things like this:

(Doesn't it look sooOOoOoOoo yummy?)

and this:

(Don't fall for it! Look away! Look away!)

And this:

(I'll admit it; I'm drooling a little....Like you aren't?!)

Yes for years I've eaten whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it with little to no remorse. Okay no remorse. None. Zippo. Zilch. There have been days when I've had ice cream for dinner, and days where I ate nothing but Tripoli Pizza and Italian Kitchen Crispelli's. I never eat vegetables (unless you count potatoes...as in french fries or potato chips) unless my husband begs (and I mean begs...and sometimes he pleads...and sometimes even bribes) me to.


Is it any wonder that after years of abuse my body is finally fighting back. It's calling it quits. It's throwing in the towel. It's saying "That's it! We quit! We can't take any more of these deplorable working conditions! Straighten up or we are going to walk out and you can find yourself new internal organs and we can guarentee they won't work nearly as well as we do!"


Yes my body is posing a strike. After years of just taking the abuse, of having no back bone, no spine, no voice, my body is finally sticking up for itself. I'll admit, if it weren't for the fact that this works to my disadvantage I'd be kind of impressed and proud of it for finally taking a stand.

I admit it. I took advantage of my youth and my fast metabolism. I thought I was invincible. I thought I had at least a good five more years (and at least one kid) before I had to get in line. But apparently I crossed the line. My body is out for REVENGE! And it's doing a darn good job at obtaining it!


So, what did I do when these symptoms simply did not go away? I did what any self respecting woman who is a partial hypochondriac would do...I WebMd-ed them. That's right, I made WebMD into a verb. And let me tell you...the results weren't pretty.


Possible reasons for my nauseau:


1. Diabetes:

Great. Just great.

2. Celiac's Disease:

For those of you who don't know, this is a disease where gluten (i.e. wheat/barley/rye) literally attacks your intestines so that not only do you not process the nutrients in the food that you eat, it also can permenantly destroy your intestines if you keep eating food with gluten in them. Doesn't that sound delightful.

3. IBS:

I don't even want to go into this one. Mainly because the symptoms are so icky.

4. Ulcer:

5. Food Allergy:


Um yikes. You don't have to be a hypochondriac to be nervous about those! I mean c'mon...Diabetes....Celiac's....ULCER?!


Although if I do have an ulcer, I'm pretty sure I know what caused it.


Possible causes for my (alleged) ulcer:

1. The Congressional Health Care Debate:

Both sides of this debate can get ulcers over congress's waffling on this issue. They need to hurry up and make a decision already. Then we all can move on.

2. Recent Racism/Reverse Racism News Stories:

Can I just say that there is absolutely no such thing as reverse racism. Webster defines racism as "hatred or intolerance of another race or other races", that includes minorities who are racist against white people. It doesn't say "hatred or intolerance of white people towards minorities". Anyway...I pray for the day when I don't have to hear about racism any more. Seriously. We all need to get over it, and start not liking mean people for their meanness instead of what they look like.

3. The fact that I have to eat Vegetables:

Seriously. I can't express enough how much I hate vegetables. I equate eating them to eating grass. Unless they are covered in some sort of flavored sauce...which helps them not taste so much like grass but also kinda negates their health benefits.

4. The fact that everyone who makes less than $200,000/yr in MA cannot afford a house in MA:

If the Hubby and I save all of our non-bill-paying-money, we still won't be able to afford a 20% down payment on a 3 br house for 3 more years!!! Isn't that insane?!

5. Friends and Loved Ones thinking I'm pregnant solely based on the fact that I'm married and am feeling nauseous:

People. I love you. I hold you near and dear to my heart. I know that you think The Hubby and I are the perfect couple and can't wait for us to have perfect cute little babies that will laugh and play with you, they'll even smell that nice little baby smell for you. Then when we take them home, they'll keep me up all nice with baby shrieks and poop all over us. You can't wait for the day that you can play with them. But we sure as heck can wait for the days of sleepless nice and poopy diapers. I'm just saying. I'm not pregnant. Nor will I be any time soon.

(Not me any time soon...)

So although I absolutely love WebMD, because hell-o, it's way more convenient than going to the doctor, which requires taking sick/vacation time and those of us who have husbands who involuntarily have vacation almost every other month (public school teacher) and need all the sick/vacation time they can get, cannot afford to go to the doctor every time they have a problem, WebMD is probably not the end all be all in terms of practical medicine. No one can replace a doctor. Unfortunately. They just know all.

Or in my case, unfortunately they know too much. Because instead of telling me "oh, that one's easy, you have THIS problem which can easily be cured by doing THIS", my doctor told me "it could be anyone of these horrible things you don't want it to be. We have to take blood, do some tests, and make you take some over the counter medication that will only appease you for a little while until I come back from vacation three weeks from now." Seriously. I have to wait three weeks. With nothing but Prilosec OTC to soothe me. You so know I'm going to call on Monday because I totally asked the nurse who drew my blood (who was super nice and didn't have any problem finding my really deep inconspicuous vein so I didn't have to worry about ending up like this guy):

(poor Mr. Carboard Man. I think. Wait he is a carboard man, right?)

how long it would take to get the results and she said 2-3 days (the third day is tomorrow). Not three weeks. So I'm going to be on her like white on rice (which by the way, I can eat without feeling sick at all...as long as I don't have any soy sauce with it). So there is an upside to all of this. At least I can eat some foods.


Since I'm big into lists today:

List of Foods I Am Grateful That I Can Still Eat Without Feeling Sick:

1. Chocolate:

(mmmmm...Godiva...mmmm)

2. Sugary Gummy Foods:

(everytime I see sour patch kids I think of the commercial where the sourpatch kid cuts the girls hair (sour) and then hugs her (sweet)...it's seriously good! YouTube it! You won't be disappointed!)

3. Meat & Veggies:

(I purposely picked veggies that had some kind of sauce on it to be more realistic...no way I'd eat asparagus and carrots raw!)

So what have we learned today from your Auntie Daisy?

1. There is always a silver lining.

2. Do not obsessively WebMD your symptoms, even if you have the excuse of being a semi-hypochondriac.

3. Pictures with people looking woozy or pukey will always be hilarious to me (even if they are of unrecognizable cardboard spaghetti-armed men).

4. You should not send me sympathy reply comments. You can however, send me boxes of Godiva chocolate like the one pictured above. That will totally make up for thinking I'm pregnant. :)