Soup, Gluten, and Dentists, Oh My!

I’m watching the Soup right now, and can I say it’s totally distracting? Joel McHale is the man! Seriously, if you think the whole celebrity cult world is ridiculous, you should be watching the Soup on the E! network. Even the husband likes it! Oops…maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that so freely. Sorry hubby! But it’s true!

Okay so I know I haven’t been on FB in a while so I thought I would give you all a blog post. I haven’t written one in so long! I love blogging, I just don’t have time for it. Well I do, but I have this weird thing where I will only do certain things when no one is around.

Cleaning is one of them. If my husband is around, I absolutely will not clean anything. Weird I know. I think it stems of years of harassment from my dad telling me I clean wrong. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Much. Love you daddy!

Writing is another. For some reason I can’t write when my husband is around. I have no idea why about that one. It’s not like I was writing while my dad was telling me “no you have to write up and down, not side to side”, or “you need to rinse your writing out longer, otherwise it will come out spotty”. So I can’t blame that on my dad. I’m sure he feels really sad about that, since I blame him for so many things. :)

Seriously…my dad can be a little Mommy Dearest when he puts his mind to it. Not so much any more, but definitely growing up. I guess having two kids who tried everything they could to make his life harder had something to do with it. See daddy, some things were my fault just as much as they were yours.

(Mommy Dearest in her famous wire hangers scene. Me and my brother turned my dad into this. Now imagine my dad with a mud mask and a wire hanger. That image is going to be in my brain for a while. :) )

So…in short I have to be alone while I write and I’m rarely alone. Not that I mind, I love hanging out with the husband. One of the reasons I knew it was meant to be is he is one of the only people…scratch that…he is the only person…that I can hang out with all day every day and not need my alone time after (I’m as introverted as Fred Tate of Little Man Tate fame).

(Really. Just by looking at him you know he is one serious introvert. Also, this is one kind of disturbed movie.)

Anyone who has lived with me could tell you this. After a couple of days of no alone time I turn into a monster.

(Me. In college. Just wanting to be left alone.)

(My senior yr roommate, Jen, after getting sick of all my “I just want to be left alone” speeches. I don’t blame her.)(Oh and this picture is posted without her permission. Sorry, Jen! Hope you don’t mind, hehe).

All that to say, I haven’t blogged in a while. And I owe you all one.

So I realized that I committed a major facebook faux pas. I told my whole FB friend world that I had something wrong with me, and I never posted the conclusion. The horror! I should be shot.

Hopefully you shoot me with silly string, and not anything more dangerous. Like a potato gun.

(This is mainly for my dad’s benefit. Don’t ask. It’s a dad-daughter thing. Dad, get a load of this one! Do you think the Army would loan it to us?!)

So anyway, a while back I had some stomach troubles. I was nauseous every time I ate. Then I realized it wasn’t everything I ate. Just everything with gluten in it. Gluten, for those who don’t know, is wheat, rye, and barley. So basically anything that comes from a wheat stalk. And even more basically…it’s...in...ev...ery...thing. Hence why I felt sick while I ate.

So I went to the GI Specialist and they said it could be Celiac’s but since, by the time the appointment rolled around (TWO MONTHS after my original doctor’s appointment, what is wrong with America?!), I was avoiding gluten like the plague, so they couldn’t test me. She said if I wanted to eat wheat she could test me but hello that is soooo not worth it.

And since then, I triiieddd to eat gluten a couple of times (in the form of Tripoli pizza and Crispelli’s…if I’m going to get a stomach-ache I’m gonna have fun doing it!)

(Look at the Tripoli goodness of it all. How could you resist? I know I can’t! Even with the gluten allergy!)

So…basically…I have no idea why I can’t eat anything with gluten in it. But I know if I do eat it, I get some nausea, followed by some major brain fogginess and fatigue. So eating gluten = I turn into a gluten zombie.

I just hope I don’t look like this:

(I typed “gluten zombie” into google image and this is what turns up. Awesome!)

So in conclusion, I’ve stopped eating anything with gluten in it. Thank you, God, for making chocolate and ice cream gluten free, because I don’t know what I’d do without any form of junk food!

(MmmmmMMm…Godiva…*drools a little*. You know my birthday’s coming up. Hint hint!)

But still, despite my chocolate and ice cream binges (although I don’t know if it’s called a “binge” if it happens every day, but whatever), I’ve lost a good deal of weight. I can’t tell you how much because we don’t have a scale. Not because we’re elitist and are against scales (although truth be told I am kind of against scales), but because our apartment is just slightly at a tilt.

Not like Lily and Marshall’s apartment…darn! I tried to find a picture of it but google let me down. But the reference is from How I Met Your Mother.

But nevertheless, our apartment is still slightly slanted, meaning when we did buy a scale, it gave a different weight measurement depending on where it was. Needless to say, we end up placing it where we consistently weighed the least. Then never used it again. So we threw it out.

But I do know I’ve dropped close to two sizes already, and it doesn’t look like I’m stopping any time soon. So that’s good. Kind of like an involuntary diet. Because everyone knows that if I didn’t have heavy duty side effects, I’d still be eating stuff with gluten. I miss pizza. And subs. And fresh italian bread.

Although they DO have gluten free brownies and cake:

(Mmmm brownies and cupcakes. But I warn you, do not, under any circumstances, get the cookies. But everything else tastes really yummy!)

So it’s not so bad.

Okay so I’m very bad at segues…so I’m just going to transition to my appointment with the dentist. Although that is kind of a segue…eating crap like cookies and brownies and candy, and then going to the dentist…

So my husband asked that for our anniversary, we would both go to the dentist. Yes, I know, we are weird. Him especially, because seriously, who asks to go to the dentist if they don’t have to? The answer: my husband.

I’m not the biggest fan of the dentist. In fact, I haven’t gone in like 7 years. It may or may not have to do with the fact that the last time I was there I had my braces taken off, and had 6 cavities…don’t judge…and I had to go back 6 times because they wouldn’t do it all at once no matter how much I begged. My fear of the dentist may have something to do with that.

That and I always fear that I’ll get a dentist like this one:

(This image makes me want to run away and hide under my covers.)

So let just say, it didn’t help that while I was at the dentist (which was like a week ago…even though our anniversary is in July…because I said I would go…I didn’t say I would put it off for as long as possible and hope the husband would forget about it...not unlike my required PE credits at Gordon College), a little girl no more than 5 was all happy about being at the dentist and was having fun. It was like she knew I was scared and wanted to rub it in.

(Show off.)

Whereas I was in my seat, clutching the armrests, praying to God that if he would just make this as quick and painless as possible, I promise I wouldn’t eat any more chocolate for the rest of my life (I say some crazy things when I'm stressed).

(Imagine this times ten. That’s me.)

My husband didn’t tease me about this…no not at all…ya right. But he DID offer to come into the dentist’s office with me, which was sweet, but didn’t make me feel at all like the big baby that I was.

And while I was waiting they made me fill out all these horrible forms, so I thought I’d have some fun with them.

How long has been since your last visit? So long ago that you will scold me for not going more often.

How often do you floss? N/A

Do you have any sensitivity in your teeth? Which ones? Yes. All of them. Go gentle.

Anything else we should know? I am here against my will. My husband’s making me. Be nice to me or I’ll run away.

Things like that. They got a laugh about it. You just know they went home to their respective families and said something like “we had this twenty something girl come into the office today who came as an anniversary gift her husband, isn’t that so sweet? …and she was more scared than a little 5 year old girl!”

But anyway…since this is starting to become a long post…let me just say that it was not quick, and it was not painless, so I’ve been having plenty of God’s-wrath-free chocolate since then.

(Mmmm…more Godiva…less dentist visits please)

But I did walk away with three more visits to the dentist. I told my husband he got three times the gift. And I’ve been flossing and mouth washing ever since.

Here’s to hoping you have better luck with your dentist!

The Floating Head Awards

You've seen them everywhere. Those holloywood actresses/correspondants/hosts that are so ridiculously skinny....so tiny and dainty...so waiflike that they almost don't exist at all.


These women I affectionately refer to "The Floating Heads". What is a "floating head" you might ask? And how can you detect one? A floating head is...scientifically speaking...when a starlet's head is wider than her stomach, thus giving the appearance that their head is just floating there, in space, seemingly not attached to anything at all, because what it is attached to is so small it is amazing it can hold up anything with any weight to it at all.


I have such a strong reaction to floating heads, that every time I see one, I feel compelled to yell out "FLOATING HEAD!" As if by yelling at the TV screen, somehow TV/Movie execs everywhere will feel empowered to make a difference and stand up to too skinny women and demand that their actresses have at least 18.5 bmi (I can now understand why the Hubby yells when a sports game is on...deep down we KNOW they can't hear us...but that doesn't stop us from hoping they can!). I've yelled this so often, I thought it would behoove me to come up with an alternative outlet to let out my frustration (well that and I am also starting to suspect that the Hubby doesn't find my penchant to yell at the TV very appealing...which all I have to say to that is...basketball season...)


So I've invented my own award for the biggest floating heads in Hollywood. It's called the Floaties. I know. It's a totally perfect name right?


Now before all of you leave comments to the effect of, "Des, you're so MEAN! Some of these women are so nice, and it's not their fault that they have to be skinny to be in their chosen profession". And to that I say...yes all (okay most) of these women are intelligent, friendly, well spoken women who deserve credit for being awesome people. I'm not slamming them. I'm worried about them. I care about them! And I care about the women at home, watching, and using them as examples to what real women should look like. I just think they need to eat something. Immediately. I got the cheeseburgers firing up!


So Floatie award #1 goes to...*opens envelope* ...Reminder...please hold all applause to the end when all names have been called...






Alexis Bledel! Also known as Rory from Gilmore Girls! I know I know. How can I even accuse such a beauty from my most beloved show of having such a thing as a floating head? But have you really looked beyond those pretty blue eyes (I know they are gorgeous but try your best to look beyond them)? Beyond them is a body starving for food. I don't know any grown women who wear a size 0 or whatever Alexis wears. At least not many women...and even those women try to gain weight because they even know they are just too skinny. Rory, girl, I know you are both actress and model, a double whammy as far as need-to-be-skinny goes, but would it hurt to eat? Even if it's just a salad...pretty please?



The next Floatie award goes to....




Guliana Rancic of E! News fame. Actually...I think all of the E! gang needs to go on here. Seriously. Have you taken a good look at them? I think they haven't seen food in so long that they can't even remember what it looks like. Cheeseburgers anyone?


The third runner up goes to....






Lindsey Lohan of Mean Girls! I know what you might be thinking...but we are not here to talk about the troubled startlet's love life; we are here to talk about her tendency to waste away to nothing...probably due to her troubled love life. Anyone else ever want to hug her, tell her everything will be okay, that she deserves someone who will make her happy, then shove a giant Mr. Good Bar down her throat? Because one Mr. Good Bar is probably more calories than she has consumed in the entire year.



And the second runner up is...

It's Kendra Todd from the show I can't get enough of, "My Home is Worth What" on HGTV! It seems that poor Kendra shrinks a size every episode I see. I have stopped watching for fear that there will eventually be nothing left. Girl, please eat some Crispelli's from the Italian Kitchen in Lawrence. I'll ship them to you.

The first runner up is...



Gwyneth Paltrow who I only know from the lousy but just sooooo good movie Shallow Hal (which I love because it's just so bad). I don't even feel badly for naming her runner-up in the Floatie awards like I do the others because she admits that she eats next to nothing...then tries to get everyone else to eat next to nothing on her website. This is just poor role model status. I have therefore banned myself from ever seeing another movie with Gwyneth in it...which really isn't a loss. Gwyny...I'm worried about you...put down the Castor Oil and pick up some Tripoli Pizza. You won't regret it!


And last but not least...the winner of this year's Floatie awards goes to...*drum roll please*...




Giada de Laurentis from Everyday Italian! Yes that's right...the marvelous floating head you see before you has a cooking show (I'm just as shocked!) where she is really super sweet...however I don't believe for a second that she eats any of the food she prepares except maybe to taste it. She clearly doesn't eat...or at least doesn't eat as much as she should. I mean think about it...would you trust a skinny cook?! I mean Rachael Ray (although some of you find her annoying, I absolutely LOVE her) at least looks like she eats the food, and she talks about eating it and how delicious it is and how many times she's eaten before. She is an example and reflection of a true every day woman. Giada...is...well...not.


I admit, Gwyneth certainly should have first place, because she brags about her "detox" plans, and is ridiculously skinny. But I have a grudge against Giada. She over pronounces everything. It drives me crazy. Hey...I never said I was unbiased, and it's my awards and I can pick Giada if I want to. So there!



Now...since I don't want to just point out the negative...I'd like to give props to all the women in Hollywood who have not succumb to peer pressure and have kept their "bigger" (read "normal sized women") status. Normal sized women, I applaud you! Please never ever lose weight. I love and admire you the way you are!

Phyllis of The Office.

Sookie from Gilmore Girls.

Sandra Rinomato from Property Virgins (yes, I AM addicted to HGTV and I'm not afraid to admit it!)

Kathy Najimy from Sister Hood and Hocus Pocus

Caroline Rhea from Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Biggest Loser

America Ferrera which you all seem to know her from Ugly Betty but I will always remember her from Gotta Kick It Up! IMDB it. You won't be disappointed.

If you have a favorite normal-sized person that works in Hollywood and has beat the notion that you cannot get work unless you're a size 0, please leave a comment/email me (and if anyone can figure out how to comment below without signing up for a gmail account, please let me know!)! I will definitely honor these people in the next post!

WebMD is My New Best Friend

Since I know all of you have been wondering (okay maybe only some of you...well hopefully at least one of you...) why I have been M.I.A. from facebook lately. Before the rumors start (psh! I wish I was cool enough for people to start rumors about me! Please start a rumor about me! Pretty please! I totally give you permission!), let me nip this in the bud right now:


I have this new and annoying condition where I get violently nauseous every time I eat something. Okay, maybe violently is too strong of a word. But I still get extremely nauseous to the point where I can't concentrate on anything besides not yakking on whoever is closest to me at the time (if there are any MDs or RNs out there, feel free to diagnose me. I won't stop you from giving me free advice! :P).

I definitely feel like this guy:

(Only I don't have the excuse that I was up in space. Although that'd be totally fun. I so wouldn't mind getting sick if it meant that I'd be in outer space!!! The Hubby would be so jealous!)

Before you start formulating your sympathy reply comments (really don't! I hate being pitied), let me assure you that I'm 95% confident that this is entirely my own doing. I have brought this on myself. I've mistreated my body for YEARS. I'm talking years of eating things like this:

(Doesn't it look sooOOoOoOoo yummy?)

and this:

(Don't fall for it! Look away! Look away!)

And this:

(I'll admit it; I'm drooling a little....Like you aren't?!)

Yes for years I've eaten whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it with little to no remorse. Okay no remorse. None. Zippo. Zilch. There have been days when I've had ice cream for dinner, and days where I ate nothing but Tripoli Pizza and Italian Kitchen Crispelli's. I never eat vegetables (unless you count potatoes...as in french fries or potato chips) unless my husband begs (and I mean begs...and sometimes he pleads...and sometimes even bribes) me to.


Is it any wonder that after years of abuse my body is finally fighting back. It's calling it quits. It's throwing in the towel. It's saying "That's it! We quit! We can't take any more of these deplorable working conditions! Straighten up or we are going to walk out and you can find yourself new internal organs and we can guarentee they won't work nearly as well as we do!"


Yes my body is posing a strike. After years of just taking the abuse, of having no back bone, no spine, no voice, my body is finally sticking up for itself. I'll admit, if it weren't for the fact that this works to my disadvantage I'd be kind of impressed and proud of it for finally taking a stand.

I admit it. I took advantage of my youth and my fast metabolism. I thought I was invincible. I thought I had at least a good five more years (and at least one kid) before I had to get in line. But apparently I crossed the line. My body is out for REVENGE! And it's doing a darn good job at obtaining it!


So, what did I do when these symptoms simply did not go away? I did what any self respecting woman who is a partial hypochondriac would do...I WebMd-ed them. That's right, I made WebMD into a verb. And let me tell you...the results weren't pretty.


Possible reasons for my nauseau:


1. Diabetes:

Great. Just great.

2. Celiac's Disease:

For those of you who don't know, this is a disease where gluten (i.e. wheat/barley/rye) literally attacks your intestines so that not only do you not process the nutrients in the food that you eat, it also can permenantly destroy your intestines if you keep eating food with gluten in them. Doesn't that sound delightful.

3. IBS:

I don't even want to go into this one. Mainly because the symptoms are so icky.

4. Ulcer:

5. Food Allergy:


Um yikes. You don't have to be a hypochondriac to be nervous about those! I mean c'mon...Diabetes....Celiac's....ULCER?!


Although if I do have an ulcer, I'm pretty sure I know what caused it.


Possible causes for my (alleged) ulcer:

1. The Congressional Health Care Debate:

Both sides of this debate can get ulcers over congress's waffling on this issue. They need to hurry up and make a decision already. Then we all can move on.

2. Recent Racism/Reverse Racism News Stories:

Can I just say that there is absolutely no such thing as reverse racism. Webster defines racism as "hatred or intolerance of another race or other races", that includes minorities who are racist against white people. It doesn't say "hatred or intolerance of white people towards minorities". Anyway...I pray for the day when I don't have to hear about racism any more. Seriously. We all need to get over it, and start not liking mean people for their meanness instead of what they look like.

3. The fact that I have to eat Vegetables:

Seriously. I can't express enough how much I hate vegetables. I equate eating them to eating grass. Unless they are covered in some sort of flavored sauce...which helps them not taste so much like grass but also kinda negates their health benefits.

4. The fact that everyone who makes less than $200,000/yr in MA cannot afford a house in MA:

If the Hubby and I save all of our non-bill-paying-money, we still won't be able to afford a 20% down payment on a 3 br house for 3 more years!!! Isn't that insane?!

5. Friends and Loved Ones thinking I'm pregnant solely based on the fact that I'm married and am feeling nauseous:

People. I love you. I hold you near and dear to my heart. I know that you think The Hubby and I are the perfect couple and can't wait for us to have perfect cute little babies that will laugh and play with you, they'll even smell that nice little baby smell for you. Then when we take them home, they'll keep me up all nice with baby shrieks and poop all over us. You can't wait for the day that you can play with them. But we sure as heck can wait for the days of sleepless nice and poopy diapers. I'm just saying. I'm not pregnant. Nor will I be any time soon.

(Not me any time soon...)

So although I absolutely love WebMD, because hell-o, it's way more convenient than going to the doctor, which requires taking sick/vacation time and those of us who have husbands who involuntarily have vacation almost every other month (public school teacher) and need all the sick/vacation time they can get, cannot afford to go to the doctor every time they have a problem, WebMD is probably not the end all be all in terms of practical medicine. No one can replace a doctor. Unfortunately. They just know all.

Or in my case, unfortunately they know too much. Because instead of telling me "oh, that one's easy, you have THIS problem which can easily be cured by doing THIS", my doctor told me "it could be anyone of these horrible things you don't want it to be. We have to take blood, do some tests, and make you take some over the counter medication that will only appease you for a little while until I come back from vacation three weeks from now." Seriously. I have to wait three weeks. With nothing but Prilosec OTC to soothe me. You so know I'm going to call on Monday because I totally asked the nurse who drew my blood (who was super nice and didn't have any problem finding my really deep inconspicuous vein so I didn't have to worry about ending up like this guy):

(poor Mr. Carboard Man. I think. Wait he is a carboard man, right?)

how long it would take to get the results and she said 2-3 days (the third day is tomorrow). Not three weeks. So I'm going to be on her like white on rice (which by the way, I can eat without feeling sick at all...as long as I don't have any soy sauce with it). So there is an upside to all of this. At least I can eat some foods.


Since I'm big into lists today:

List of Foods I Am Grateful That I Can Still Eat Without Feeling Sick:

1. Chocolate:

(mmmmm...Godiva...mmmm)

2. Sugary Gummy Foods:

(everytime I see sour patch kids I think of the commercial where the sourpatch kid cuts the girls hair (sour) and then hugs her (sweet)...it's seriously good! YouTube it! You won't be disappointed!)

3. Meat & Veggies:

(I purposely picked veggies that had some kind of sauce on it to be more realistic...no way I'd eat asparagus and carrots raw!)

So what have we learned today from your Auntie Daisy?

1. There is always a silver lining.

2. Do not obsessively WebMD your symptoms, even if you have the excuse of being a semi-hypochondriac.

3. Pictures with people looking woozy or pukey will always be hilarious to me (even if they are of unrecognizable cardboard spaghetti-armed men).

4. You should not send me sympathy reply comments. You can however, send me boxes of Godiva chocolate like the one pictured above. That will totally make up for thinking I'm pregnant. :)

Old Bicycles and Ice Cream

A warning, for all you women out there, like me, who might think that they can still ride a bike just as easily as they did when the last time they rode a bike, even though that was when they were 12. Just because you're on vacation, and you think it is a fun idea to ride bikes around a pretty island in Maine, and just because you find a really really cute old timey bike that is a pretty red with a basket in the front and wheel covers and everything...don't be fooled into thinking that you can ride this bike.















(Actual girlie bike used. Awww....Isn't it cute?! Don't be fooled!!!)

There might be things you have neglected to factor into your bike picking process because you were too twitterpated at finding such a cute bike...like for instance...the quality of the brakes...and the fact that even though all the bikes were updated with gears, they were homemade gears, and there may only be two settings (not the 10 that we're assuming)...so you might only have two options: pedal so hard your knees feel like they are going to fall off in a puddley goo somewhere back at the giant hill you were forced to climb up when you went the wrong way, or pedal really easily and go so slow that a toddler in HIS (very practically) bike passes you.


The cute red bike with the basket in the front (to hold the helmet you couldn't use because you insisted on wearing long pants even though it's 80 degrees out and the helmet made you sweaty and even though you're married, you still don't want your husband to think "good gosh what did I marry?!?" when he sees you), IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! Not matter how cute it is!















(not actual helmet hair...but close!)


Do you really want to spend your whole bike riding experience secretly, jealously coveting your husband, who let's face it is the more practical and realistic of the two of you, who picked the newer, shinier, less cute but more practical bike, which didn't NEED to be upgraded because it already came with 10 (ten!!!) speeds and decent breaks, but not being able to tell him you're coveting his bike because you know he would all too easily trade you his bike for yours even though yours is girly and has a basket on it, because let's face it, he does enough things for you, riding around in a girly basket bike is not something he should have to endure.
















(Husband's very practical bike...see the newer shinierness of it!)


But then again, if you never picked the girly cute basket bike, and instead opted to hang out on the pier, you would have been forced to listen to really bad reggae music, and might have missed out on this...

















(actual view from bike on Peak's Island)


or this....















(more bike views)


And okay...if you hadn't gotten the deceptive girlie bike, you wouldn't have pedalled nearly as hard, and you wouldn't have gotten as much of a workout, and then you may not have gotten to eat a huge cup of well deserved and deliciously yummy Peak's Island ice cream guilt-free (not that I would have had much guilt anyway...but at least now I know food Karma is (temporarily) on my side).

(not actual ice cream...but I wish it was! Doesn't that look good?!)

So all in all...maybe you should pick the girlie painful bike. Because it's an experience. And gives you beautiful pictures to look back on. And it definitely trumps sitting on the couch watching Jon and Kate reruns wondering where their relationship went wrong (not that there is anything wrong with that!...shut up, it isn't wrong, I swear!).