8/4/09

The Floating Head Awards

You've seen them everywhere. Those holloywood actresses/correspondants/hosts that are so ridiculously skinny....so tiny and dainty...so waiflike that they almost don't exist at all.


These women I affectionately refer to "The Floating Heads". What is a "floating head" you might ask? And how can you detect one? A floating head is...scientifically speaking...when a starlet's head is wider than her stomach, thus giving the appearance that their head is just floating there, in space, seemingly not attached to anything at all, because what it is attached to is so small it is amazing it can hold up anything with any weight to it at all.


I have such a strong reaction to floating heads, that every time I see one, I feel compelled to yell out "FLOATING HEAD!" As if by yelling at the TV screen, somehow TV/Movie execs everywhere will feel empowered to make a difference and stand up to too skinny women and demand that their actresses have at least 18.5 bmi (I can now understand why the Hubby yells when a sports game is on...deep down we KNOW they can't hear us...but that doesn't stop us from hoping they can!). I've yelled this so often, I thought it would behoove me to come up with an alternative outlet to let out my frustration (well that and I am also starting to suspect that the Hubby doesn't find my penchant to yell at the TV very appealing...which all I have to say to that is...basketball season...)


So I've invented my own award for the biggest floating heads in Hollywood. It's called the Floaties. I know. It's a totally perfect name right?


Now before all of you leave comments to the effect of, "Des, you're so MEAN! Some of these women are so nice, and it's not their fault that they have to be skinny to be in their chosen profession". And to that I say...yes all (okay most) of these women are intelligent, friendly, well spoken women who deserve credit for being awesome people. I'm not slamming them. I'm worried about them. I care about them! And I care about the women at home, watching, and using them as examples to what real women should look like. I just think they need to eat something. Immediately. I got the cheeseburgers firing up!


So Floatie award #1 goes to...*opens envelope* ...Reminder...please hold all applause to the end when all names have been called...






Alexis Bledel! Also known as Rory from Gilmore Girls! I know I know. How can I even accuse such a beauty from my most beloved show of having such a thing as a floating head? But have you really looked beyond those pretty blue eyes (I know they are gorgeous but try your best to look beyond them)? Beyond them is a body starving for food. I don't know any grown women who wear a size 0 or whatever Alexis wears. At least not many women...and even those women try to gain weight because they even know they are just too skinny. Rory, girl, I know you are both actress and model, a double whammy as far as need-to-be-skinny goes, but would it hurt to eat? Even if it's just a salad...pretty please?



The next Floatie award goes to....




Guliana Rancic of E! News fame. Actually...I think all of the E! gang needs to go on here. Seriously. Have you taken a good look at them? I think they haven't seen food in so long that they can't even remember what it looks like. Cheeseburgers anyone?


The third runner up goes to....






Lindsey Lohan of Mean Girls! I know what you might be thinking...but we are not here to talk about the troubled startlet's love life; we are here to talk about her tendency to waste away to nothing...probably due to her troubled love life. Anyone else ever want to hug her, tell her everything will be okay, that she deserves someone who will make her happy, then shove a giant Mr. Good Bar down her throat? Because one Mr. Good Bar is probably more calories than she has consumed in the entire year.



And the second runner up is...


It's Kendra Todd from the show I can't get enough of, "My Home is Worth What" on HGTV! It seems that poor Kendra shrinks a size every episode I see. I have stopped watching for fear that there will eventually be nothing left. Girl, please eat some Crispelli's from the Italian Kitchen in Lawrence. I'll ship them to you.

The first runner up is...



Gwyneth Paltrow who I only know from the lousy but just sooooo good movie Shallow Hal (which I love because it's just so bad). I don't even feel badly for naming her runner-up in the Floatie awards like I do the others because she admits that she eats next to nothing...then tries to get everyone else to eat next to nothing on her website. This is just poor role model status. I have therefore banned myself from ever seeing another movie with Gwyneth in it...which really isn't a loss. Gwyny...I'm worried about you...put down the Castor Oil and pick up some Tripoli Pizza. You won't regret it!


And last but not least...the winner of this year's Floatie awards goes to...*drum roll please*...




Giada de Laurentis from Everyday Italian! Yes that's right...the marvelous floating head you see before you has a cooking show (I'm just as shocked!) where she is really super sweet...however I don't believe for a second that she eats any of the food she prepares except maybe to taste it. She clearly doesn't eat...or at least doesn't eat as much as she should. I mean think about it...would you trust a skinny cook?! I mean Rachael Ray (although some of you find her annoying, I absolutely LOVE her) at least looks like she eats the food, and she talks about eating it and how delicious it is and how many times she's eaten before. She is an example and reflection of a true every day woman. Giada...is...well...not.


I admit, Gwyneth certainly should have first place, because she brags about her "detox" plans, and is ridiculously skinny. But I have a grudge against Giada. She over pronounces everything. It drives me crazy. Hey...I never said I was unbiased, and it's my awards and I can pick Giada if I want to. So there!



Now...since I don't want to just point out the negative...I'd like to give props to all the women in Hollywood who have not succumb to peer pressure and have kept their "bigger" (read "normal sized women") status. Normal sized women, I applaud you! Please never ever lose weight. I love and admire you the way you are!



Phyllis of The Office.

Sookie from Gilmore Girls.

Sandra Rinomato from Property Virgins (yes, I AM addicted to HGTV and I'm not afraid to admit it!)


Kathy Najimy from Sister Hood and Hocus Pocus



Caroline Rhea from Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Biggest Loser




America Ferrera which you all seem to know her from Ugly Betty but I will always remember her from Gotta Kick It Up! IMDB it. You won't be disappointed.

If you have a favorite normal-sized person that works in Hollywood and has beat the notion that you cannot get work unless you're a size 0, please leave a comment/email me (and if anyone can figure out how to comment below without signing up for a gmail account, please let me know!)! I will definitely honor these people in the next post!